Hablas Espanol?

wow. it has been a while. many other pieces of life have picked up as we have entered the new year. there is never a day when i don't think of little o, there is just not always updates. we have experienced a delay to the process, and i'll keep you all up to date on that. 

the fun thing to share is that I enrolled at UNC Charlotte in the Spanish department! Btwn my suits and wrinkles, I didn't quite blend in as much as I was hoping to with the other students.  But they are nice to me, and my Profesora is AWESOME! She has the spirit of the Latin culture that I have seen so many times before. She speaks muy rapido and with full expressions of her hands and face. It is a conversational Spanish class so we are talking, watching movies, listening to conversations, and acting out small escenas. It is just what i need to immerse back into the language. I sure wish i had more friends to practice with b/c I would love to speak it as often as possible. I did have a mini dream the other day of having a Spanish morning at the osta dome and all the mini's in the neighborhood could come over for some comida and espanol! 

Always dreaming... 

graceful outsider

i know she meant well. I know he meant well. it's just never easy to prepare yourself for some conversations. the days aren't predictable where i may be a walking disaster seconds from exploding into tears. I have been so sobered by this journey in so many ways. i never realized how many conversations happen where the majority is the right or only voice, how many great, natural dialogues exclude consciousness of any marginalized group that may be present. 

maybe you are single or divorced, maybe poor or stressed, maybe you don't actually care about sports (i know this one is unbelievable) or politics, maybe you are infertile, maybe you aren't southern, BUT you must endure conversation after conversation that assume you fit into the majority, the happily married fertile family that cheers for Carolina and eats fried green tomatoes and grits and buys Vera Bradley bags in their stress free 3 figure salary family. 

what i have realized isn't that we shouldn't say nothing to make sure and offend no one. we shouldn't read up daily on the PC language. we shouldn't only have conversations that include the majority.  i have been so humbled to realize that i should be more aware and available to who is around me. I should be more bold and willing to look them in the eye too, to realize even if we are in the middle of a conversation on marriage, that i could risk asking the single person their thoughts too. they aren't invisible and have so much to contribute. they dream too. 

while volunteering in sunday school i was asked if had children. i answered no. moments later i said but we are actually in the adoption process now. the person then asked me, "by choice?" in a bit of confusion but also trust in their good nature, i answered, "yes, and we aren't able to have children." she then proceeded to tell me two stories, back to back of people she knew who adopted and then by a miracle got pregnant. I appreciated her stories and her kind heart to relate with me. i just felt oddly pricked and unknown as i seem to feel CONSTANTLY in this season. Because here's the deal - We choose to adopt. They will be our children. They are not less than or second best. We in fact as parents are not less than. I am not waiting to get pregnant, I am waiting to visit an orphanage in Peru and meet our child.  As weird as it may sound, i do not prefer the miracle of pregnancy at this present time, i prefer the miracle of adoption. 

I have two other examples from yesterday alone. you don't even want to hear them, you will feel bad for these persons. 

we can't know everything when we are talking to friends or strangers. we can't understand a million world views. we can't pretend to be in a circumstance. we also can't think the world is out to get us with some ignorant conversations or with the silence. we CAN look around us, we can RISK asking more questions, talking less, trying to recognize and appreciate difference. I have never been in an "out" group in my entire life and i want to be here gracefully. I am motivated to try this. 

cranky gym-goer

For reasons unblogable, I don't seem to like anyone right now. this includes me. i am cranky and have a lower level on the patience scale than normal. Alli told me to pray, i am considering this.. but it sounds difficult b/c this would mean stillness and clarity. i'm not interested in stillness right now. 

For example, this afternoon i went to the gym. i went a bit early hoping to miss the new years resolution wanna be's. i have a love hate relationship with them. i love that they are trying. i love that they set goals. I hate that this is causing me to wait longer and longer and longer for the machine i want to use. i hate that they are crowding the class that there is nowhere left to lay my mat. i especially dislike the little ones who set a new years goal to lose like 3 pounds and tone up. to double my pain they also wear the coordinated nike outfits. how rude. 

what i try to make sure of in my sweet competitive nature is that i cannot possibly be viewed as a newcomer. i cannot be a weight loss resolutioner. while my physique and my attire does me no favors to prove to these people that i have actually been a gym goer for 10 years, 4x a week minimal. i grabbed the class schedule as i always do at the beginning of the month and quickly realized that toting this around in the open send signs to the other peeved off regulars that i am not one of them. just to show them who's boss, i ignored the 30 min. rule on the machine. 

how this relates to o your wondering... well two things: one, there is little chance that you will not turn out pretty darn competitive b/c of your father and i. people may think he is nice and not as competitive, that is until they play one single game with him.  two, somedays, i don't know how to write, i just know that i am cranky and longing and it gets me nowhere fast.