good design

From Mexico, Canada, St. Louis, Washington DC and Charlotte, the Wilson and Oster clans connected for the celebration of Christmas. 

Beginning in Blowing Rock with the Wilson clan, it was a wonderful time together of hiking, painting, praying, antiquing, strength-finding, dreaming, and feasting! Thanks mom and dad for all you did to make this a wonderful holiday!

Day after Christmas we headed to Roanoke for time with the Osters. It was a great time of resting, game playing, talking, cooking, and loving on our niece, Ella.  

They very thoughtfully surprised us with the two gifts pictured on the right. i can't even capture the flutter of my heart in opening both of these gifts. Anna and Sarah, the sisters, had the softest blanket embroidered with "Pequeno O" on it (gasp) and Tom and Sherry put together a frame with a picture of Peru drawn by Tom and it reads "I'm growing in my mommy and daddy's heart." It's our sonogram and i treasure it. 

PH and I took advantage of the time off work to dive into some more paperwork. We both wrote our autobiographies, completed the homestudy history, and are gathering together documents for the financial statements.  there were low and high moments in working on these documents, low moments include questions like: applicant's skin tone, build, weight, childcare plans, beliefs and values, budget sheets and spending habits. i don't know another expectant family that had to answer those questions. maybe they should have too also, who knows, but all we know is that each time we dive into the work, we have to change our mind frame and take this on as our journey to our child, we need to put our head down and go after them well, knowing that this is just a piece of the process for our family, for this fantastic God given journey of adoption. 

one morning of devotionals with my Wilson family, we discussed gratitude and reflected on what we may feel worthy of praise and thankfulness from the last year. Stephen encouraged us to think about PRAISE as a reflection on God's character and person to us and THANKFULNESS as the actual showing up in our life. with a bit of a trembling voice but an assured heart, i praised God that He is the GREAT designer, that He has created GREAT plans for us and others. I thanked God that Stephen and I now more than ever feel a part of that privileged plan when we were disrupted from our plan (graduate, get married, get great jobs, birth children, buy picket fence, so on and so forth) and led to adoption. I thank God for the reminder that He is control and of His DEEP love for His children, us and the orphans. I have never felt more lucky b/c with this disruption of my plans for the world, we have been gently led to God's plan for this one little family. 

Thank you God. We praise your GOOD design. We will take on this paperwork with lifted spirits and zealous hearts to unfold your plan. 

As you celebrate and usher in the New Year, I hope too you have a chance to reflect and praise. 

not yet

some mornings I wake up and i feel like I met you little o, like I spent the night talking to you. I love it. 

i have to admit that you feel so so far away, and i believe appropriately so. we have so many steps to accomplish to get to you and most of the times when people ask about you I immediately tense up because i just feel like i could spend all day making progress on paperwork to get closer to you. 

i am not there yet where i can dream past the paperwork. i am not there yet when i can allow my heart for one second to believe that this will all work out. i am not there yet when i would have to consider making a kids room. I am just not there yet. i can't predict when or how or gender or age or anything, i can't even imagine that the paperwork will be finished. i literally can't even imagine getting a referral. i can't even imagine meeting the social worker for homestudy! 

i so appreciate the generous hearts around me that are believing for me, i know i need you. Know that i am not there. 

even the very title of this blog scares me, i fall apart if i allow myself to hope too much for you. but everyday you are in my thoughts and graciously it seems at night i can safely hope for you in my dreams. 

bangs and a.d.d.

I am distracted. what has recently been brought to my attention that it may actually be called A.D.D.. 

how can their be so much snow in the Midwest and we are still in shorts? How can i be sweating with a Christmas tree in my house? Why does it seem the presidential primaries may be a vote for the least of evils? Why is it so hard to get the whole family in one house together for the holidays? Why do we pick a time of the year to eat more? Shouldn't we eat this much chocolate and "test" wines always? How can i be more efficient in my job? Who wrecked my house?

These are a few of the thoughts from the last 10 seconds of my day. 

i dropped off the immigration papers, took passport photos (i desperately need a tan), and GOT bangs. i can't believe it. Mal you probably remember when i first grew my bangs out in 3rd grade with the tiny pink barrette that i wore in my hair like EVERY day for a year. i promised myself then i would never intentionally get bangs again, and here i am. for the love of change. 

the main reason i am so aware of my distraction is that it has just dawned on me that that is the crime of this season, we are so joyful and so stressed, so in tuned and so bogged down, i can go from singing carols at the top of my lungs in the car to a heinous meeting with mean people to a cheery holiday luncheon to spreadsheets to a mall to another holiday party to folding a few clothes and falling fast asleep. i am including the season but not living the season, it's like i want to put post its up reminding myself of ADVENT and ANTICIPATION. 

Since we are talking about babies, it has been easy to think in the last few days of anticipation as we are waiting any day now for our friends Kim and Stuart's baby to arrive. i asked her yesterday what days before a baby looks like, do you pace, do you shop, do you try to fit in all the sleep before they come, do you clean, do you dream, what happens? i cannot WAIT to met her. 

and then i think to myself, what does my preparation for Jesus's birthday look like?

Am i just hurrying up to relax? Seems like a theme in my life. hmm. 

ACCEPTED. Paper Prego!

I am crying and smiling and i almost don't know what to do with myself. (i do think we have set a bad precedent on this blog that it is mostly all good news, i find that i had a very difficult time blogging last week because it was a low low week.) BUT today is JOY!!

We are IN. WE get to begin. Tidings of COMFORT and JOY, best Christmas present of the season! 

oh, i can't even make sense. i am just rip roaring to go! 

Step 1: File Immigration Papers -this form isn't too difficult to fill out but it takes a long time to process so i essentially want to get it in the mail tomorrow now that we know country and agency code. 

Step 2: Homestudy - forms are headed our way to begin filling out for the homestudy and they will assign us with a local social service worker to do the homestudy with us. She said it can be intense and the Peru's immigration office asks pretty specific stuff (whatever that means), so let's pray that we get assigned a great homestudy worker that we can click with and communicate well! 

Step 3: Dossier - we'll explain more on this later but this is essentially the mega sales packet that we submit that will include both of the above steps. 

Holy cow, if i allow myself to dream for one second, i hope that i never have to spend another Christmas without you! That you could be sitting by me (or crawling around) by the 

Christmas tree as i am now. What a dream come true that would be! Mi pequeno O! 

to the right are two ornaments made in Peru that my parents sent in hopeful anticipation that this would be our country!

Felicidades! Agradecidos! 

advent

little o, it's late and your mom has already gone to bed. I'm taking care of some finances and thought I'd post quickly before calling it a night. 

I've been thinking some about Advent. We're in the Advent season, anticipating Christmas and Christ's birth. The season has taken on a whole new meaning as we anticipate you, little o. This yearning that your mom and i have to meet you and see you and love you is very real. It gives me a glimpse of what it might look like to yearn/anticipate/hope for Christ's coming. So, I'm thinking about that. seeing if my hope for a little one, a little o, teaches me something about hoping for the Kingdom to come, for a time when we will no longer mourn, where Joy will fill the world, where Emmanuel will come, where we will see, smell, listen to, feel, and taste a Holy night. 

goodnight.

Portland

this is the longest i have gone without posting, it is never for lack of not thinking about where we are and where we are going, its just life feels very sectioned off right now with many mostly wonderful things going on. 

we just returned from a snow capped mountain and wintry rainy days of Portland visit to our dear friends, Jon and Jaz. i am already reminiscing the delightful days of endless coffee shops and delicioso vino, good laughter and friends. many thanks to will and dani and the vaughan srs. for generously hosting us and sharing giddy anticipation for little o with us.  also congrats to my friend amy whose beautiful twins turned one while i was out there, what a treat to catch their birthday!

one flurry morning over coffee i found myself a little choked up wondering what the mother of our future child may go through in her pregnancy. will she be hungry or cold? is she safe, does she have any family or a place to live? all these thoughts kept rolling through my mind and it certainly encourages me to pray for her and the development of the baby. 

many of you have asked about the timeline, so i'll share the timeline as i understand it more tomorrow. have a great day. 

First Sales Packet

too many things to talk about, PH's last post was so exciting i have just been giddy with that! in addition, it is totally bizarre to have this whole outlet about little o, while i am totally beside myself, there are so so many things going on in life to talk about. again, focus, i know, this is a discipline to record this journey. 

so while i had so many things to be thankful for over thanksgiving, minimally i had to post your future grandfather and dad, who are builders and craftsmen extraordinaire. truly, i can't

 believe the generations of Oster men that have delighted in and have skill in woodworking, what an awesome gift! This is a library wall they have built for the living room and i am SO grateful! and Sherri, the shopper extraordinaire, and I had a blast shopping while they continued construction in the home. 

okay, so... it is always "special" to find yourself emotional in a non emotional place... aka the post office. and there i was yesterday, choked up as i mailed the first application. our first sales pitch (insert laugh here), but that is what it feels like. fun things like height, weight, salary, pictures, and criminal record.. sure hope i am tall enough. Ha. so seriously, i am so extremely desirous to be accepted into the Peru program with the agency and they told me today that they received the application and that they would be in touch in 2-3 weeks. 

if they accept us, then my presh friend Kate said we could celebrate that i would be "paper pregnant"! i have a schedule for paperwork and updated documents and as soon as we get the thumbs up, we move full steam ahead. 

thanks for praying for God's will as we await the first application response...

Decision Number 2 (Numero dos)

So with a little trepidation, but much excitement, we have decided on Peru!

This decision is the second of many and only the beginning, but it's an exciting one for us. This leap of faith to begin a process with an agency and to chose a country is a big first step. It marks the beginning of a journey, much of which feels unknown at this point.

Peru has a large number of orphaned children, the majority of which aren't even in the system, because the Peruvian government doesn't have the resources. We are full of joy that growing our family means adopting a small child from Peru. So, we invite you to pray for our agency, for the country of Peru, and for us as we hope for our Peruvian pequeño o.

Let the paperwork begin!

mini moments

i don't know why I am still shocked when God's generous and creative nature shows up in pain. already, since June, i have multiple vivid memories of BIG God surprises of healing and relationship. i haven't planned these mini moments or controlled them or expected them in any way, but at just the right times they happen, its like when the sun peaks through after a long rainstorm and you are only prepared for the dark and thunder but then you feel the warmth of the sun on your face. 

i will never get used to someone crying for me. it is the most surreal feeling to imagine being cared about like that, to believe and trust in your family and community enough that you would receive their tears on your behalf. it totally moves me, and it gives me great peace. it reminds me we will be okay, even better than okay, we will be loved. 

little o, remind me later of these these things. of all the mini moments I experienced as i wrestled with grief and hope in having a family. 

Grey

This weekend, I am wrestling with the greys in this process. 

we went to Greensboro yesterday for an informational meet and greet with the attorney from one of the agency's we're considering. He is the attorney on the ground in Peru taking care of the legal aspects of the adoption process for this agency. It was a very informative time for ash and I as we try to make a decision on country/agency. We learned more about the process there in Peru and it was well worth the trip. I'm sure Ash will write more about our time and the details throughout this week so I'll stop there.

these shades of grey I mentioned are questions like: "How do you make a big decision when there is no right (or wrong) answer?" "How do you determine whether God is guiding you in a particular direction or whether He's just asking you to trust Him?" Or the shades are emotions like: excitement and fear all at once, and Joy in the journey ahead but still mourning the loss thus far. These shades of grey fill my head and surface when my I get a moment to pause. they are not black and white items that can be figured out and checked off and then i can move on. They are hard to get my mind wrapped around.

in the absence of a black and white answer or emotion, I am trying to look for the good in the greys. Black and white photos are full of greys and we love the richness of the moment they convey. Grey stormy skies bring me sweet memories of a life I once lived in Portland. Grey "feelings" like those times where you've just argued with your spouse and you're hurt but couldn't love them more. These greys are good. And even more, I take comfort in a God who provides, who is constant and who loves me.

So I'm going to keep wrestling and see what happens. These greys (or grays, see even the word's spelling is ambiguous) tend to be where the color shows up in my like, where my heart is stretched and the conversations go a little deeper. I'll keep you posted. ~stephen

fancy pants

yesterday after an invigorating day-long workshop on ethics and leadership, PH and i had to get decked out for a black tie dinner. Little O, your dad is one handsome dude, i love going on dates with him! similiar to the the stunning trees of fall who are out to show their true colors, it is always fun put on the fancy pants every now and again.

so we checked the references and did the spreadsheet's (alex & stuart you would be proud) and haven't made a final final descion of course, but have decided that we should make the trip to Greensboro tomorrow to meet with the agency and the attorney

from Peru. He just so happens to be making his first trip to the agency and they are hosting a meet and greet. 

so the sales pitch begins, i am a little nervous b/c i want them all to like us and do cheers for us as we set the course! i want them to want to expedite their long process and decide they must get little o to us rapido. okay, so i just daydreamed aloud for a minute. i'm still going to practice up on my spanish just in case..

looking forward to having lunch w/your future aunt alli (she may try to put bows in your hair and give you floral prints, be forewarned) and sweet michael who have already been a great support to us! 

thanks for prayers for our time tomorrow as we move towards the Peru program. Please Lord give us wisdom if this is the country you would have us pursue for your children! 

Focus Ashley. Focus.

but i can't. i gave myself an allotted amount of time to read fun things this morning and it ends in 6 minutes so i better hurry up. i just can't help it, i am so overwhelmed by your kindness friends. i can't believe you guys care for us like this, it is just totally rad. (okay now mary watson is going to write something about how ridiculous it is that i said rad, but i just always like to try out new words as many of you know.)

i love the fall, i love the crispness of air and the coolness somehow lightens you. the trees of north carolina are glowing today. and here i am moderately giddy at my computer because i have this new outlet for dreaming about family and friends and little o. 

can someone pray that the peru reference person will write me back. i have two back from Kazakhstan and they are both recommending the program and the agency. its actually uber cool (had to) b/c the on the ground folks in Kazakhstan that work with the agency we are looking into are three sisters - one is a doctor, one is a lawyer, and one is like the administrative/relational coordinator. reminds me a lot of me, bryan and amy. (: 

no but seriously, they sound like a really neat team. peru on the other hand is where my heart leans naturally because i feel like i know more about the culture and i daily picture myself romping around the kitchen speaking spanish to the mini's. i love the language. i already know the coolest language immersion school. okay, so i am getting way ahead of myself. 

tonight is spreadsheets, and pro's and con's ... so we'll be in touch. 

SO GRATEFUL for you. 

appreciating technology

here is stephen awarding me for upgrading to a mac. small problem was that i actually got the better mac, the one with a camera! and here i am now, blogging, he should be so proud. 

little o's family and friends are all so spread out from mexico to british columbia and all spots in between, so we thought we would document this journey to little o with all of you. this way you can read an update whenever you want despite the time zones and work schedules, everyone can be a part of this journey however they would like. 

i feel like i have so much to tell you already!! 

One of the sweetest moments in the recent days was that my parents dropped in and we celebrated a very early thanksgiving together. I was telling them all about what we had researched on adoption and learned about our journey to little o and suddenly i heard some sniffles. dad and mom and i just all sat in the kitchen with teary faces, but these were new tears, the hopeful ones. the ones were you just love someone so dang much you can't help but feel the tears start in your belly and move through your shoulders to your mouth and then out your eyes. those tears remind me of the exact reason stephen and i are entering this journey now. i can't fathom looking at little o 30 years from now and having that belly deep joy and hope for your life as your parent. it seems worth the journey. 

so here we go! this week is a big week as we are praying for wisdom for the decision on country and agency. we have done the research, interviews, and requested references, and this week we hope to fill out an application for an agency and a program! We are looking at a Kazakhstan program and a Peru program. 

we'll be in touch!