not yet

some mornings I wake up and i feel like I met you little o, like I spent the night talking to you. I love it. 

i have to admit that you feel so so far away, and i believe appropriately so. we have so many steps to accomplish to get to you and most of the times when people ask about you I immediately tense up because i just feel like i could spend all day making progress on paperwork to get closer to you. 

i am not there yet where i can dream past the paperwork. i am not there yet when i can allow my heart for one second to believe that this will all work out. i am not there yet when i would have to consider making a kids room. I am just not there yet. i can't predict when or how or gender or age or anything, i can't even imagine that the paperwork will be finished. i literally can't even imagine getting a referral. i can't even imagine meeting the social worker for homestudy! 

i so appreciate the generous hearts around me that are believing for me, i know i need you. Know that i am not there. 

even the very title of this blog scares me, i fall apart if i allow myself to hope too much for you. but everyday you are in my thoughts and graciously it seems at night i can safely hope for you in my dreams.